White Oleander

I watched "White Oleander" tonight with Sarah. I cried through half of it. Near the end, Sarah commented, "Some people have really sad lives".

It's a true thing. You won't hear me argue about it. I cried through half of last week.

There are times when I look around and all I see are sad lives. On a good day, I might concede there are happy moments sprinkled into mostly sad lives. And I might even laugh when I say it... but the truth is... sometimes the sadness overwhelms me. This is only Brenda's perception, of course. My perception is usually skewed by imbalances of norepenephrin and other brain hormones I can't spell. And I know that. But, still.... there is just something about the world that isn't quite as it should be. We don't live in Eden, I guess.

We live in bodies that become afflicted with all kinds of sad illnesses and are at risk of all kinds of sad accidents. Ask my dad. He's had rheumatic fever twice, his heart won't stay in rhythm, he's survived cancer, I think he was stung by a jelly fish once.... and his list goes on.... sometimes we call him Job instead of Joe. But there are people with worse stories... And there's nothing happy about physical suffering.

And we also live in relationships that become afflicted. Sometimes people let us down in major ways. Sometimes they just irritate us. Sometimes they hurt other people we love and it hurts us. Sometimes you meet someone who is traveling a road you have traveled, hurt by someone who seems just like the person who hurt you, and you feel their pain deeply in your soul and you wish you could save them the journey you know is ahead.

Sometimes there is death to deal with....
lays offs
hungry children
concentration camps
prison
abandonment
bills
torture
bad choices
bee stings
birth defects
drunk drivers
feeling fat
being fat
loneliness
abuse
lies
drugs
feeling left out &
unappreciated
bounced checks....

If you are looking for a happy ending to this blog post, I don't think one is coming! :-) I keep thinking I am going to turn this around and make a lesson of it... like talk about heaven or Jesus or Philippians 4. But in my current mood.... that would feel weird. Dishonest, even. Not that I don't believe things will be better "yonder over the rolling river"... I do believe that. And I believe we can have joy on this side of the river, too. I believe that focusing on Jesus will bring hope back to the sad reality of this world. But, sometimes if we are honest, we just aren't there. Tonight I am not there. Tonight my heart is heavy thinking about all the sad and hurting souls... probably some right here in my apartment building. Maybe even one right here typing on my computer. I wonder how God sees it all and doesn't become crushed under the weight of it.

Moral of this post: don't watch a heavy, depressing movie when you are already sort-of depressed. (And don't start typing your thoughts into your blog at 11:00 at night if you don't want people to know how you really feel!!!)

:-)