Monday, September 19, 2011

Pastors and Precepts

I'm not sure what is about to come out of my fingers.... my mind is churning and that is a scary thing. But I've been bombarded today with thoughts about who I am and who God is and what on earth (pun intended) does He want from me? Because I sense it's not the minutia I tend to obsess over... but something else.

During my last appointment with Dr. H, he asked me about church and how I'm doing spiritually (and how I need to be asked and how thankful I am he never fails to ask) and I said, "Spiritually, it's just me and God and The Rock. And that's not a bad thing". And by "The Rock", I mean the church I've been attending. My point being I haven't really gotten involved in church as I have been in the past- no bible studies, no fellowships... but the services at The Rock bless me. And beyond that, it's me and God. And I am learning to know in my heart that God is enough. But I don't believe I am in this place to stay here forever. God always has a plan, is always working in my mess to push me to the next level of maturity and He won't waste this time.... but I might.

At The Rock today, the Pastor talked about these three pillars... Closet, Classroom, Community. Closet being your personal, private, secret relationship with God. This is the relationship you have with Him when you go into your prayer closet and close the door and you are alone with Him. This is the foundation of your faith- and I was just hit (hard) by how little time I am spending in that closet these days. How much time I am wasting. How much pain and suffering I have endured and inflicted and how if I don't learn from it or if I am not stronger spiritually because of it... what a waste it was. And some of it is laziness or complacency or life-distractions. But I think it's more than that. I think it's partly fear. When I am alone with God, I feel him nudging me in directions I long to be and yet am so terrified of the journey. I catch glimpses of things he wants me to do and I get excited and then a second later.... afraid. I hear God, but I also entertain the lies of the enemy.

We sang today "The mountains shake before You, the demons run and flee, at the mention of your name, King of Majesty.....There is no power in hell or any who can stand against the power and the presence of the Great I Am".

And I raised my hands in worship and to testify that I believe..... but then... why am I so afraid? Demons run at the mere mention of His name. I serve a God against whom nothing can stand. He's not sending me to scary places, he's going with me. I need only whisper his name... "Jesus".

And when I started to type (and when I gave this post a title), I wanted to share about the contrast between the church where I spent Sunday morning and the one where I spent Sunday night. Because it played into how I am feeling tonight. I want to type this in a way that is not critical. I want to type it in a way so I don't sound like I think I am somehow superior to others. It's not that at all. But this is my blog. ;-) And I am only speaking what I honestly see. But when I attended the service tonight at a different sort of church- the kind where I grew up and have spent my entire life, the kind where things are done "decently and in order" and where "precepts" are very important and where we MIGHT get to heaven if we get it all right and where we beg God to accept our worship and then just sit back and hope he does (and yes, we're pretty sure he does because we have done it all "right").... I felt this overwhelming urge to stand up and shout, "There is so much more!!!! God is so much bigger than you know!" But instead I just let the contrast convict ME of what I had been feeling all day... that God is bigger than I know. And wherever he wants to take me- and whatever he wants to show me.... I don't want to miss it because I am afraid or lazy or distracted or worried about doing it right.

We don't call them "Pastors" in my "church of origin". (In therapy, they call the family you were born into your "family of origin"). And we don't talk much about "Precepts" at The Rock. But who cares?! God wants to know me!!!! The Almighty God wants to spend time alone with me... writing his words on my heart... hearing MY heart.... loving and equipping me. He wants me to fall in love with Him when we are alone and no one is watching me. He wants me to know and trust him. And then he wants me to get out and make a difference in his Name in a place where people are dying without him.

Hallelujah! Holy holy! God Almighty! Great I am. Who is worthy? None beside thee. God Almighty! Great I am.

Here's a link to the awesome song about the Awesome God: